What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:01
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do a bra and panties have to match?
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Can anyone show a photo with a penis in their anus?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So, i spoilt her more .
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He knew the spot.
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is soul school!.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Comes on , in middle age.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!